Thursday, August 28, 2008

And Now I Really Should Get Ready for Work

A quick update and then I'm slinking off to write a real post. I think I've been putting off writing about some hugely painful things that have been going on, and have been instead playing on the surface. That doesn't feel honest to me.

But first...

Had a great time with the new mom-friend, A. We met at 9:00 a.m. for coffee, stayed until about 1:30 p.m., and never ran out of things to talk about. Her husband and son (same age as the kiddo - seven) dropped by unexpectedly and it was nice to see them as well. They hadn't known which coffee place we were going to, so seeing them was a pleasant surprise. Anyway, A. and I plan to get together regularly. She said it's been a while since she made a new friend, esp. so quickly, and I agreed. It's just so great to hit it off with someone like that.


Here's what I really need to start writing about (well, part of it at least): This morning I started to have a panic attack while walking the dogs. I had my cell phone on me, but no meds, and I started to hyperventilate and feel desperate. I almost flagged down a woman who was checking her mail...but what would I have said? "Please sit here with me and hold my hand while I get through my panic attack"? I managed to get through it by singing three songs with the same melody (ABC, Twinkle Twinkle, Baa-Baa Black Sheep) as I walked steadily toward home and dragged the poor dogs along. Suzy was panting but I couldn't afford to slow down. Poor Suzy.

I feel somehow ashamed and weak and yet I know I don't need to feel that way. I've also been holding off on writing about this because it's so hideously painful to me and I'm still just learning how to deal with (overcome?) it after things reached critical mass last December.

So I will think about how to write about this.

In the meantime, please visit one of my favorite bloggers, Mrs. G of Derfwad Manor. I caught up on her posts after coming home from my walk and I am so grateful to her for her humor and honesty that have particularly uplifted me today. I have this little idea that if she and I ever met in real life, we'd hit it off and gab for hours. ;^)

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

"Nobody Likes a Frowner"

I am ruminating. Where to start?

Much to my relief, the kiddo has recovered and started school.

I can't believe I'm the mom of a second grader.

My period has been unusually light this time around, and a woman at work helpfully told me she reached menopause at age 42. Guess how old I'll be next month?

And I've done something to my foot, although I can't recall any specific moment of injury (so maybe it's cumulative?). Thought I'd sprained my big toe, the the pain migrated to the ball of my foot and although there's no obvious swelling, I can't flex my toes much. Walking was mighty tough for about five days, and it seems to be getting better now if I don't push it, but WTF? I don't wear ridiculous shoes - moderate wedges at work and flip-flops the rest of the time, which have never caused me trouble.

And my ex is being so nice and reasonable lately that I'm half-wondering if he's medicated. If he had been this way eight years ago, I'd never have moved out. But the damage is done (that is, I will never totally trust him) and I'm still working on my new life, while cautiously enjoying the lull in tension between us.

I met a very cool mom at my son's swimming lessons, and for a change, she actually asked to exchange numbers. (Usually I'm the one who wants to keep in touch with potential friends.) I'm going to give her a call and see if she wants to get together this weekend for coffee and a gab. She's a research librarian at the city paper and incredibly interesting. I emailed another mom-friend about getting together with the kids soon. It's nice to have female friends. I should've listened to my dad when I was a kid and he was trying to encourage me to focus on platonic friendships. Better late than never. ;^)

And speaking of friends, another topic for my list: my college roommate who has a brain tumor and is kicking ass and who is curiously and unusually, yet sometimes understandably, different and distant.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Perfect Timing...Not

Well, after being healthy all summer, my kiddo now has a sore throat and congestion. Last night his temperature was 100.7F, but today it's normal, which is a good sign. Oh, and did I mention that school starts on Monday? Sheesh. He's going to his dad's for the weekend, and I'm hoping they don't stay up late as they've been doing this summer. If the kiddo were home with me for the weekend, I'd be making sure he rests and sending him to bed early or on time and dosing him with water and vitamins and M*trin and doing whatever else will speed his recovery. I hate having to send the kiddo away when he's sick; I'm a mom through and through and that just feels so, so wrong.

Monday, August 11, 2008

How Do They Do It?

How do they do it? I'm talking about women who blog almost every day. And not just about surface stuff. About Interesting Issues and Serious Things.

If I could download my thoughts directly to the computer, I could blog every day. I really do have interesting thoughts, especially when I'm in the shower. (No, not those interesting thoughts.) But so many things come up that I can't seem to choose one and just go with it.

Some thoughts:

- being Catholic and working at a Nazarene church
- my experience with anxiety and depression
- my quirky son and what I'm teaching him
- my occasionally puzzling relationship with my ex
- how I sometimes feel like I'm missing my life
- my love-hate relationship with baseball
- widowed, retired firefighters and why they are hot


Maybe I should put them in a hat and just pick one.