Better Than Midol

Last night while watching television I turned to the TV Guide channel and was horrified to see that the normally large-font listings had shrunk to the size of Joan Rivers' sense of tact. I could hardly read the words from across the room.

Call me premenstrual, but I had one of those this-is-the-last-straw, pounding-on-the-coffee-table kind of moments, except I didn't really pound on the coffee table. I did, however, mutter a few things I was glad my sleeping child couldn't hear, and I meant those mutterings, by golly. What the heck did they think they were doing messing with something that was perfectly fine in the first place, and I pay good money for my cable, and it's the freakin' end of the day and reading teensy fonts makes me feel old and life's hard enough...you get the picture.

(In retrospect I suppose a few Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and a bag of white cheddar popcorn would've calmed me right down, but I checked my medicine chest and those things weren't in there.)

Anyway, I called the 800 number provided for "feedback" and tried to think of a socially appropriate way to phrase my complaint. I wanted to register my feedback because I figured if enough people called in the station would change the font back to the regular readable size. A woman answered and put me on hold while I politely simmered.

After a minute or two, during which I thought I'd probably hang up after five minutes because, hey, I was calling from my cell phone since it was the closest phone available and I didn't want to waste my minutes complaining about fonts, even though font size is obviously a very important issue, a different woman picked up. She asked if she could help me, and her motherly tone bounced off satellites and towers and floated through the phone.

"Um, well, I'm sorry to say this (wince) but I have a complaint," I said.

"Tell me all about it," she soothed. I swear I could almost hear her smoothing out her dress so I could sit on her lap, the way my grandmother used to.

"Well, um, I'm looking at the fonts on the TV Guide channel and they're smaller than normal and, um, on a dark background, and um, they used to be large (she was just listening) and now they're very hard to read, and well...what's up with that?" I am just that eloquent sometimes.

She assured me the change was only temporary and the fonts would return to normal within the hour. I thanked her and hung up, a little bit embarrassed and a little bit, well, comforted.

Dang, I hope they're paying her enough over there.