Things I Say a Lot

"Did you poop today? Seriously, did you poop? 'Cause those farts smell like you still need to poop. How do I know? Because I've been smelling your farts since day one, buddy."

"Sure, I like Pokemon. Yes, really. But I just looked at every page of your Pokemon guide book yesterday and need to take a little Pokemon break today."

"That is not a suntan. That is dirt. Wash your hands, front and back. [later] Wash them again and make lots of bubbles. I'm going to watch you do it. See? It was dirt after all."

"You know, if you get a nice shaved haircut, you won't have to deal with tangles and sweaty hair always in your face. Okay, OKAY, it was just a suggestion! No, I'm not going to make you shave your head. Can we stop talking about it now?"

"Do not step on the dog."

"Is the TV off downstairs? Okay, good job. [later] I thought you said the TV was off. Go downstairs right now and turn it off."

"What was that noise? Well, 'nothing' doesn't sound that loud. Yes, I promise I won't be mad."

"Someday when you get a little older, picking up dog poop is going to be your job. Oh yes, it is. Is too. Is too."

"You know, I know you want to be near me and I want you to be near me, too, but if you keep putting your feet on my chair and kicking me in the butt, I start to feel like I don't want to sit near you. SO STOP KICKING ME IN THE BUTT."

"No, you may not intentionally drop food on the floor for the dog."

"I love you. No, I love you more. No, I love you more. No, I love you more. Now go to sleep."