Thursday, March 09, 2006

Not for the Faint of...Stomach

I had to go to Wal-Mart today and the kiddo was hungry, so I took him to McD's on the way...and he almost barfed because he ate too fast and is very tired today after having spent YET ANOTHER NIGHT watching videos in the middle of the night at Daddy's house while Daddy sleeps with his freaking door shut. But that's another story, and no, I'm not annoyed in the least.

At McD's, I'd hoped the kiddo would be able to climb around in the Human Habitrail with the other hamster-children and burn off energy because it's cloudy and dark and cold and windy today and I didn't think I wanted to take him to the lake or the park, but I wanted to pry him away from his video game addiction, at least for a while. (He gets to bring the video games from his dad's house once a month or so.) Taking the kiddo to McD's is fun for me, too, because I get to eavesdrop on the kiddo's conversations with other kids, in which another kid will say something like, "Let's pretend we're getting chased by jaguars," and my son will reply, "Jaguars-schmaguars." It's more entertaining for me than cable any day of the week.

So we were at the restaurant and he hurriedly gobbled down two nuggets and a spacy look appeared on his face and I thought: No, it couldn't be. Then he started to panic and wave his arms and I thought: But it is. Time slowed momentarily and I was reminded of our erstwhile Golden Retriever, who once gobbled too hastily and promptly upchucked, bless his gluttonous little heart. I grabbed the bag from the Happy Meal, which was already empty, thank goodness, and held it under the kiddo's face while another mom watched. My son cooperated, unlike our dog, who long ago tried to evade me as I chased him around with his bowl while he made pre-upchuck noises. But I digress.

"This is new," I joked in the other mom's direction, not wanting her to think the kiddo had the flu or something, because he doesn't, to my knowledge. (frantically knocking wood) She smiled indulgently, but left with her three Catholic school-uniformed kids shortly afterward. Heh. For the record, not much came out of the kiddo's mouth except some saliva.

Are you eating right now? Because maybe you shouldn't be. I'm just saying.

When we arrived at Wal-Mart later, he told me he wanted to call Daddy to tell him about almost barfing (always big news when you're five), and informed me that the reason not much came out was that he swallowed most of what came up. Mmmm...deeeeeelicious! I will not be eating until I can shake that image, let me tell you. Just think of what we'll save on groceries.

We scurried around and collected our necessities, and at the checkout stand, when the cashier cheerfully greeted the kiddo, he told her, "I'm tired today and I had a barfy-sick at Nick Donald's and my head is hurting because I have mucus in my nose." I just hope she wasn't planning on taking her lunch break anytime soon.

When we got home, the kiddo helped a bit as I unloaded the groceries, then raced upstairs to go potty. In about a minute I heard urgent shouts and hauled buns up the stairs, to discover that the toilet was very close to overflowing. I'd actually known about the problem before we'd left the house, but had had the brilliant idea of letting it wait, while hoping for the best upon our return...except I'd forgotten all about it and the kiddo was watching the rising tide with a horrified expression on his face.

Luckily the toilet gods smiled on us and a flood was averted. I waited for the water to recede a bit before, uh, attacking the problem, while the kiddo watched me and asked about fifty million questions that I didn't really want to answer -- things like "How did you learn to use a plunger?" and "Can I try that?" and "What happens if the water goes all over the place, Mom?" With a final herculean effort, I finally, uh, solved the problem and the kiddo pronounced me a genius. And you know, I really am a toilet-plunging genius, so he's right. ;^)

In other news, my Olympic gold medalist client was supposed to send me an article to edit today, but he didn't, so presumably he's still working on it. Too bad I don't get paid to plunge toilets.

It's all so glamorous, ain't it?